Today I can see clearly that the purpose of my life is to learn, to love, and to do good. And to enjoy it. Pretty simple.

More photos like this one will be up on flickr later today.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26591802@N08/

Luuuuv this.

The sun looks like pizza.

I was going to make this more of a big deal, but I want to just get it over with because I have all these other things to post.

So anyway, as you may have determined from the picture above, this is the 100th post on BFFL, making it my most successful blog ever! I started blogging in ninth grade when I got my first livejournal. A couple of livejournals, and a couple Bloggers later BFFL was born, and boy am I happy about it!

As a special little thingy, here's testimony from a loyal BFFL, Hallie, who has some things to say about BFFL and various other topics:

Dear Best Friend For Lifelong,

Where to begin.

Love,

Hallie

P.S. This blog has provided me with countless lols. It also inspired me to write things with Jordan for our poetry band Partners in Rhyme. Yes, the Partners in Rhyme. The one that you know and love.
Before I knew about this blog I only had a couple of websites that I frequented frequently—Facebook, and my e-mail. Now, I have three (plus a couple more).
Let me tell you about how I helped Jordan think of BestFriendForLifelong. I don’t remember what happened. But I remember we were in the common room (before it smelled like hot pockets). That’s all I remember.
Shortly after, Partners in Rhyme, mentioned above, came to be. This was a glorious day, a day that will go down in history some day, maybe a long time from now but someday…
In conclusion, that’s all.

LOGOS

Zoom in to see all the juicy details! K later bai!

Musing

Let us tell you about our amazing product.

First of all it is called The Wonderful Suit. Second of all you should buy one for everyone you know.

Perfect for the holiday season, The Wonderful Suit is scientifically proven by 1 in 25 doctors to improve your life by 20 percent! It’s actually not a stocking stuffer because it’s too big. Unless you were to get a really big stocking or something like that. But what’s the point really you might as well just put it under the tree.

Anyway back to our Amazing Product which will probably Change Your Life Forever.

Something you should know about it is that fifty percent of people who wore the suit for one day had a good day. The other fifty percent are lost causes anyways and disqualified as part of our analysis. So everyone liked it!

The longer you wear your suit, the better your life will be. For example, Debby wore the suit for ten years, and after those ten years, a man asked her to marry him! We never thought Debby would find love! I mean, she’s so ugly and unpleasant. But miracles happen! And they happen with our Wonderful Suit. Did we mention that it will make your Everything better?

The Wonderful Suit comes in One Size Fits Everyone and Obese sizes. It comes in two colors: gold and platinum—the best colors. It also comes in neon green because that’s our favorite color.

The suit is made out of 100 percent Polyster and shrinks in the wash. That’s not bad because things look good tight if you ask us. Unless you’re fat, then you’ll look gross.

Blind your enemies with our Amazing Product, then kick them in the no-no square! Distract people from how ugly your face is, they’ll be too busy looking out our Amazing Product! It works!

But don’t wear the Wonderful Suit for too long! Sometimes it makes you so wonderful you gusher all over the place and it makes quite a mess for cleaning ladies everywhere.

If you were to buy the Wonderful Suit anywhere else it would cost you 100 dollars. But here it will cost you 150 dollars! And we’ll even steal your credit card information. But send in our mail-in rebate and we’ll send you some shoes! Not wonderful shoes, just regular type.

So in conclusion by our product! Do it!


Unpleasant Debby before she got the Wonderful Suit (above)



Debby after! Doesn't she look great?

The Greatest Place Ever

In our utopia no one gets sick. No one gets a C on their papers. No one cries. Instead of crying there is singing and writing poetry.

The rulers of the utopia are Jordan and Hallie, and they live in a pineapple above the sea. We are fed grapes by beautiful people wearing bathing suits. We lie in hammocks all day and drink coconut milk.

All the people of the utopia have fun every day. They laugh joyously. Every time a citizen of the utopia laughs, a fairy is born. Every gets a fairy as a pet. The fairies grant everyone 3 wishes but you can wish for a million more if you want.

Citizens of the utopia get to pick from a bunch of different jobs including: princess, ice cream man, genie, pillsbury dough boy, and cookie master. For each of these jobs you get paid a million dollars an hour, but it doesn't matter because everything is free anyway.

The weather is always warm. There are rainbows every day. The forecast is 100 percent joy every day with a 1 percent chance of ecstasy. It is always the weekend.

In the evening all the citizens gather around Hallie and Jordan to hear us perform in our poetry band. They boy down to us as we express our souls creatively. They clap forever and give us free money, jewels, lollipops, and more money.

A bunch of famous people live there including Regina Spektor, Barack Obama, Kate Winslet, Maryl Streep, Mickey Rourke, Kiera Knightly, and the Beatles. When you see one of these people you can ask them to entertain you and they'll do it every time as many times are you want. All the people are beautiful there.

Everyone is friendly and compliments each other's poetry bands. Everyone is in a poetry band. Instead of waving at each other we give high fives and make outs. Instead of saying hi we say "I love you." Instead of saying goodbye we hug it out for five minutes.

The rules of our utopia are that you can't be mean, you can't not have fun, and you must do your best every day. You never grow up. There's unlimited ice cream. Everyone can fly. Magical creatures exist here and you can play with them whenever.

The natural plants and animals here are also magic. The plants can make you have super powers if you eat them or smell them. The animals are all furry and domesticated and you don't even have to take care of them. They clean up their own droppings and say "how do you do" when they pass you on the street. The streets are made of Fritos. All the fountains are made of chocolate and squirt chocolate. In the summer time you can jump in. It is always summer time so you can always jump in. And frolic.

You can walk on clouds here. You can eat them too because they're cotton candy. You can take pictures by blinking. You don't forget anything. There are plenty of acting jobs. Everyone can be the star of every production every time especially Hallie.

Also you can teleport.

Also you don't have to take care of yourself. Robots take care of you. They make you food and brush your teeth and give you baths in bubbly baths in geysers.

There is a all you can eat feast every meal. They have every food you ever wanted and more. There are nightly food fights and you don't even have to clean up the robots do it. You don't have to go to school. You can eat books to get their knowledge. The books taste like candy. You can never get too smart for your own good because everyone must also eat humble pie. No one gets fat.

You live forever and are never sad ever. This is the best place ever why aren't we there right now?

Check this out. I watched it in my journalism class and now it's basically the subject of my research paper for my honors class. It's about the future of information and the Internet.

xxx

It's beautiful and I think it's what I want to be

Ugh

Went to the DH for dinner tonight...



Found the MOTHER OF ALL PUBES IN MY BREAD, FML!

My favorite things include:

being cool when it's hot, being warm when it's cold, people that look like animals, remembering a word after you totally forgot what it was, strong sibling relationships, best friendships, having a drink when you're really thirsty, conquering fears, laying in bed for half an hour on weekend mornings after you've woken up, making plans that work, eating something really good, teaching someone something, learning something new, laughing...




Happy Saturday you guys.

Who are you and why do you look like me

Nothing to see here. Just chillin.

Web Find FTW

Question: is njguido.com the greatest website ever?



Answer: YES OMG

Ayaya

If you don't know Yurie, you're missing out.



You know how some people say "Dude, he/she is all that"? Well, I never really understood what "all that" was, besides a sketch comedy show on nickelodeon, but I'm sure that Yurie is all of it and more.

Yurie gets at least 90 percent of my references, which is enough in itself to merit her a post here on BFFL. But Yurie has got a lot of other stuff going on too. She is a superb model and actress, and a talented chipmunk impersonator. Plus, she's smart as a hwip. Overall, a real champ.

For all these reasons, she has a special place in my hart and on this blog.


^-^

What are We

Here's the deal.

Jake and I have a lot of things in common:

1. We both have Jew blood.
2. We are both writers.
3. We have a very similar sense of humor.
4. We both have existential crises in the room.
5. Both our fathers were in the music biz.
6. We both play alto saxophone
7. We were both in marching band.
8. We both wear glasses at least some of the time.
9. We both like to read.
10. We are both from New York (845!)

Also we do a lot of things together:

1. We shower at the same time
2. We urinate at the same time
3. We have matching sweaters from the Banana Republic
4. We have matching Santa Hats
5. We write articles together under a very Jewy pseudonym
6. Pillow talk every night
7. Listen to MGMT on vinyl
8. We live in the same room.
9. I guess we wear face masks together
10. We watch the West Wing together.

So what are we? I dunno. Sumthing special. In conclusion, this is Jakemyroommate.

Yes! We are all individuals!

Awwwwz

Guys, check out my new favorite animal. I want one. Actually make that two.



It is the Golden-Mantled Tree Kangaroo. Google it or something.

GNOME SIGHTING

It sneaked onto my desk and was watching me do my homework! I snapped this photo quick before he ran away! Phew! That was nuts!

...I'm bored.

Partners in Rhyme

deer butbob stupidpants,

sometimes I h8 u sooOo much I thro darts at a picture of ur face in my room. sometimes I h8 u sooooooooO much I draw devill hornz on your yeerbook photo. sometimes I h8 u so much my assma starts acting up and i need to find my inhaler real fast or ill need to go to the hospitall again.

ur that stoopid. and that’s y im braking up wit u, cuz i cant stand u and the site of ur ugly cantolope shaped head makes me want 2 vomit up cantelop which isnt even in season this time of yeer.

ur sOoooooooOo ugly ur eyez are lik two brown puddles of sewage. ur lips are like 2 hotdogs that nobody wants cuz some1 put saurcrawt on them. ur face is a pizza. Cuz it has pimpleez on it.

i should have broken up with u 7 yeers ago when i had the chance, but i felt bad for u. also i was board. now i donut feel bad for u cuz uve been such a poop weasel and also im not bored because ive got Chad who if u fergot has a pogo stik. Chad is so cool because he can jump 100 times on his pogo stick and not even thro up after like sum1 i no. (YOU!)

Bethica and Britaffer told me 2 brake up with you 5 times but i told them no… not that i liked u or anthing but I needed a date to the dance evry year for 7 years and u were the only loser around. but then when u spilled punch on my dress and nocked the disko ball over onto me and fractured my arm i h8ed u sooOoOoOoo much.

I CANT BELIEVE UDIDNT EVEN REMIMBER OUR 6 YEARE ANIVERSARRY EVEN THOUGH I TOLD U VIA TEXT MESAGE EMAIL FACEBOOK MYSPACE TWITTER PHONE CALL PHONE CALL TO YOUR HOUSE PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOMS WORK AND SKYWRITING. HOW STOOPID COULD U POSIBLY BE.!!~~~``~~`~!!!

u no what part of u i h8 the most? i dont even know but my best guess would be that u are scared of lotion. that makes no sense. also the fact that u have a poster of a baby in your room. most of all the fact that you go out on dates with your mom. haha loser. roflcopter.

so the point of this letter stoopidpantface is that i'm braking up with you and by that i mean im not going to call u 5 times a day anymore or wait outside ur house in the rain for 5 hours untill maybe you open your door and tell me to go home. i will never do those things again because first of all i only did them because i was bored and second of all now i have chad who is super hott

dont even try to say that u dont want to break up because its so over it couldnt be more over. what i hope you do is this i hop you die. i hope you die and that after that nuthing happins to u but that i keep on living happily with chad the hottest hott kid in school and maybe even the world. someone told me he looks like a cross between frankie muniz when he was on malcom in the middle and the jonas brothers. that means that our kids will look like a cross between frankie muniz the jonas brothers and rosie o'donnel. i bet you're jelouse. i bet your so jelouse you could just kill your self right now. i hope you do.

lolly,

kiki

ps- just incase u were wondering I will not waste my teers for a man

pps- that is because I am a real woman and u r just a little boy with a SMALL PENIS!!!!!!111U!%IROLJFSLDFK

Things i've done lately

(Sorry for the pic quality, they're from the celly!)



Walking on the Swan pond.



Los Campesinos at the paradise

Funny things I saw in the world

(Pics from the cell phone)



Pedophile Mobile!




Slightly Lol

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in.

Fresh Prince Shoot

Super Yurie.



Partners in Rhyme.


More like this soon on my flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26591802@N08/

Best.

Fuckin Sensitive

Fuckin Sensitive live at the Cutler Majestic Theater Tuesday, February 11.

Comments

Hey guys I just enabled anonymous comment posting on my blog. So now, all you readers out there without google accounts can make my life better I mean post comments on my entries! And I encourage you to do so.

All you have to do is click post comment, and under the "comment as" tab, select anonymous. Blogger might ask you to type in some letters and numbers to make sure you're not a robot but that's it.

Yippee Skippee!

The Final Chapter of The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Chapter X: Maria Will & Grace

Go. Play. Proceed.
Re-birth.
Maria.
Take your cleaning rag
And wipe it over me
Baptize me in your Clorox
I submit to your memory.
We loved like no one has loved
And I lost like no one has lost.
And you Arthured like no one has Arhtured.
Today I live like no one has lived.
A new dawn, the world opens to me like an oyster
The pearl, I know, is not what it seems.
It is not perfect.
But it shines like nothing else.
It shines like the sun
It shines like a blade
It shines like your eyes.
Maria, Will & Grace.
Goodbye………..
Daddy?

End

Deer Assfacemuncher butt(muncher),~~

u r a 5 star general in the stoopid army. ur so stoopid that there's probly no1 stopider then u. if their was a stopid cuntest u would probly cum in third cuz even though ur stuoopid ur also a looser and loosers never win at anything even cuntests that r stupid and no 1 would want to win anyway but u would lose because ur the biggest stupidest loser i ever met

anyway, i hope u fall down a well and drown in the well. actually no wait i hope u fall down the well and then u just float in there and u have a concussion and starve to death. that would be better because it woudl be more painful and would be slower. yes, that would be the best you stopid loser.

another thing that u should know is that everyone else thinks the same. just the other day i was takling on my celly with my bffl and she was all like i think that assfacemuncher buttmuncher frend of urs is stuped and pimply and probly has pimples on his butt and lower back region. and then later i was talking to my other bffl and she was all like i think that your frend who is stopid should probly kill himself because no one likes him including me and he is the least coolest boy in skool.

i told them that they were rong and that you actually had pimples on ur upper back region too and that u go into the pool with your shirt and ur pants on because ur embarrased and also you always take the crusts off your sandwiches because your afriad of the crusts and what they might do. i told them that because i hate you and i knew u wouldn't want me to tell them that especlly bethany becuase one time u said u liked her unikorn shirt.

ANOTEHR THING IS OH WAIT I FORGOT OKAY I REMEMBER IT AND THAT IT'S OH BY THE WAY YOU ARE DUMB. I NEVER WANTED TO GO SEE ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR WITH U ANYWAY AND I HATE MILK DUDS I AM ALLERGIC TO DUDS. YOU ARE A DUD AND BECAUSE OF THAT I HAD HIVES FOR A LOT OF DAYS AND MISSED THE COMIC BOOK CUNTVENTION THAT IVE WANTED TO GO TO SINCE LIKE BASICALLY 4EVER. I HOPE U FEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THAT BECAUSE U SHOULD. ALSO U SHOULD FEEL BAD THAT U R STOOPID AND AN IDIOT.

I can't believe i dated you for seven years. i didn't even like you that whole time i swear haha i had you fooled you fool. in canada you would 700 ml worth of stoopid. if they measured stoopid from 1 to 10 you would be off da charts stoopid. another thing i can't believe is that i was the one who asked you out and was the one who wouldn't let you break up with me four years ago when you said your family was moving to cleveland. but you moved to cleveland and like a stupidhead u haven't called me in 14 days and three horus and that is why i am breaking up with u and now chad will be my boyfriend because he is really cool and has a razor scooter. also his watch is waterprooff and he said that i'm a lot smarter than jessica which is more than you ever said you idiot haha. lol

its super funny that you think that i care about you at all lol hahaha how stupid you are i havne't hought about you in 24 minutes that is sooOoOoOo long long enough for me to think about how much i h8 you and kiss chad on the cheek which i did aren't you jelouse i bet you arelol

so now i am prolby gonna make out with chad and in the meantieme i hope you do nothing but if you half to do something i hop that thing is faling down a well if you need help finding a well i will help u and i'll even push u but if u need help with anthing besides that i wont help u becuz i only help cool kids like chad who if you forgot has a razor scotter it is the blue one. i dont' help people like you. people who suck.

lol,

Kiki






ps--lmao!!!!!

pps--=ROFLCOPTER!!!!!!!!!!

pPps-----U HAV A VAAAAGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Best Friend For Lifelong

This is Hallie. Hallie is the co-creator, co-writer, and co-bestfriendforlifelong. I owe quite a bit to Hallie.

Hallie checks this blog every day, and maybe even hourly.

She also says that I would not be who I am today without her. I have yet to decide if that is true.

What I CAN say is true, is that Hallie helped me think of the name of this blog. Also, the reason all the Daddy poems exist is because Hallie had a project to do and I helped her. Then we got silly and wrote all this shit. Today is the shit that you read and love on the daily.

To summarize, this is Hallie. She is my partner in rhyme.

THIS JUST IN: The name of my slam poetry duo with Hallie is called "Partners in Rhyme." Jake thinks it is stupid but I beg to differ. I beg to differ a lot. I beg to diff--

Jake Sorgz My Roomate

Things Jake has said, or says a lot, are:

1. "What the ass!"
2. "Don't worry about it." (in reference to anything I want to know)
3. "Imma fill you in" (followed by giggle)
4. "RAM JAM!!!"
5. "SHUT! UP! SHUDDUP!"
6. "EASY!"
7. "FUCKIN THING SUCKS!"
8. "Let's call a spade a spade."



Some fun facts about Jake my roommate:

1. Jake uses the elliptical machine.
2. Jake is a Jew.
3. Jake is Jewish.
4. Jake has a record player (but he is NOT a hipster)
5. Jake wears earplugs because he thinks they look cool
6. Jake engages in pillow talk with me every night.
7. Jake makes coffee every morning.
8. Jake is very sophisticated
9. Jake is very mysterious
10. Jake throws shoes at me.
11. Jake reads books and shit
12. Jake likes to go to the bathroom at the same time as me
13. Jake is strongly opposed to anyone talking into or from the stalls in the bathroom.
14. Jake is pretty tidy.
15. Jake relates to the character Josh from the West Wing
16. Jake has a cool hat. It is called a fedora, according to Jake.
17. Jake is a very good person; he volunteers and shit
18. Jake has shot glasses that have famous writers on them
19. Jake likes to emphasize the h before the w. (e.g. "The Two HWAT?!")
20. Jake is maybe a socialist

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Chapter IX: Hit me Daddy one more time. Oh baby baby.

Darkness consumes me
That dress becomes you
But that was so long ago
And now it’s over.
I wallow in the sad laundry room of your disdain
Whirl away washing machine!
You can whirl away the grass stains
The blood stains
The tear stains
The ravioli stains—
But never the pain stains.
No, not even Tide could tidy that mess.
That’s there to stay
That’s there to—
Lonliness
I find myself alone
Wrapped up in memories
Memories that enthrall me
Memories that enflower me
Memories that devour me—
The way I devoured your lips
In the hall pantry
Next to the Cheez-its
Below the Oreos
On top of the Gushers
I gushered all over
And you had to clean it up.
What will we tell Daddy?
Daddy.
That dark cloud of a man
That hovers above me
Scattered showers of a nightmare throughout the day
Misery storms in the evening
100 percent chance of abuse
1 percent chance of survival.
Daddy, look at me now!
A hollow shell of a man just like you!
A macaroni noodle of a man if you will!
The cheese is powder
And I threw it away by accident.
Why can’t I throw YOU away?
Why can’t I—
Pour favor Maria, save my soul
Save my tiles from collecting mildew
Save my heart from collecting dust.
Save my heart—
The window beckons me
Like you beckoned me,
Bending over the bathroom floor
In your homemade frock.
The frock of your temptation
The frock of your seduction
The frock of your sweet bossoms
The frock of your firm gluteus—
The noose whispers to me
Like you whispered to me
Softly into my ear like a secret
Softly into my brain like a subliminal message
Softly into my heart like angina
“El gato es en tu pantolones”
I didn’t know what it meant
I didn’t know—
I’m still not really sure.
But I know this, Maria.
From the smoldering ashes of despair
I will rise like a phoenix
I will rise like a person on a ladder
I will rise like a butter-crème soufflé.
The recipe is not quite right,
But it is mine.
And as sure as I know
That 1 cup of strength
2 tablespoons of redemption
3 teaspoons of self-worth
and a dash of peprica
Can mend a broken heart,
I am sure that one day
This man will be the cheesiest
Noodle of Easy Mac
This world
Has ever tasted.
And it will say,
Mmmmm.

End.

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Chapter VIII: Counterculture. Counterattack. Attack on my soul.

Motion.
Emotion.
Your love is a runaway train
Your hate is a plane going nowhere
My pain is a scooter.
Let’s go back to better days.
Picking daisies in the sunshine
Lieing in the grass
There’s a bug in your hair
There’s love in the air
There’s love in—
Daddy roasting hotdogs on the grill
The way he handled that meat
If only he had been so tender with me
If only—
Why the long face Daddy?
Why the big belt Daddy?
Why that choice of facial hair Daddy?
Who’s my real Daddy, Daddy?
Daddy?
I cant’ sleep at night
The sound of an ancient vroom
The smell of fresh cut grass
The taste of your lips—
Maria…
Maria?
Maria!
Perhaps if we had sat two feet to the right
If you had moved your two feet from the blade
Would you still have feet to move?
If you did…would you dance?
Now, it’s just a solo number
Me, moving sadly to the music
The beat of my longing
The rhythm of my desire
The tempo of my passion
The karaoke of compromise
Sorrow!
Such a sweet word
Such a sour word
A little tangy
A little tango
The tango inside my heart
The tango we’ll never dance Maria
The tango we’ll never—
Mira! Ten Cuidado!
Can’t you hear the vroom approaching?
Can’t you smell the grass burning?
Can’t you feel our love dying?
Can’t you feel the scar deepening?
Maria.
If I could I’d paint you a portrait of this day
The yellow of the sun
The green of the trees
The white of the fluffy clouds
The RED of the blood as it splatters
The BLUE of your tears
The MAHOGANY of the hot dogs
The ORANGE of that guy’s shirt who was just hanging out near us I don’t even know who he is—
But I can’t Maria.
My fingers aren’t what they used to be.
They aren’t.
They were chopped off in father’s angry buzzsaw
Useless—like a frankfurter
With no Frank.

End.

Life on Mars

Take a look at the lawman
Beating up the wrong guy.
Oh man!
Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show.
Is there life on Mars?

More photos like this on:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26591802@N08/

Read this, you won't regret it

For First Time in 51 Years, Bob Edens Sees
By Jack N. Kneece

COLUMBIA, S.C. (UPI)- To Bob Edens, yellow is amazing but red is best – although he hasn’t seen anything yet he didn’t like.
He lived 51 years without seeing anything at all, until complicated surgery gave him eyesight. He found it overwhelming.
“I never would have dreamed that yellow was so…so yellow. I don’t have the words but I amazed by yellow.
“But red is my favorite color. I just can’t believe red,” said Edens, who said the first thing he ever saw was an eyedropper in the hands of a nurse.
“Grass is something I had to get used to,” he said. “I always thought it was just fuzz. But to see each individual green stalk, and to see the hair on my arm growing like trees, and birds flying through the air, and everything – it’s like starting a whole new life. It’s the most amazing thing in the world to see things you never thought you’d see.
“I saw the purple and orange recently in the face of a tiger. I could see the individual hairs and the colors and his eyes.
“I can see the shape of the moon – and I like nothing better than seeing a jet plane flying across the sky leaving a vapor trail. And of course sunrises and sunsets.
“I can’t wait to get up each day to see what I can see. I am still seeing most of it for the first time.
“And at night I look at the stars in the sky and flashing lights. And I am learning to read and write – like a first grader. Everything is like a constant high. You could never know how wonderful everything is.”
He had been blind since birth, but graduated from Furman University, learned Braille, married and had a daughter. He even coached a little league baseball team while working as a masseur.
Fifteen weeks ago, he underwent surgery for a detached retina and a corneal transplant.
His sight has been gradually returning since the day after the November 18 operation. Edens, who said very South Carolina governor since 1953 has come to him for a massage, is opening a private massage clinic.
But he would rather talk about what he can see than what he can do.
“I saw some bees the other day,” confided Edens almost as if telling a secret, “And they were magnificent. And I jumped a covey of quail. I had heard quail before, but to see them flying – ah… what an experience.”
“I saw a truck drive by in the rain the other day and throw a spray into the air. It was marvelous.
“And did I mention,” he said, genuine rapture in his voice, “I saw a falling leaf, just drifting through the air?”

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

ACT VII: Muscles. Spasm. Splatum. Splat. Splatchula. Blech.

If I could
I’d write you a poet tree
And it would bear sweet sonnet fruits
It would bear you a big blue house
It would bear you—
Smack me across the brain
Smear my love around the carpet
But don’t make too much of a mess
Maria will be furious
Maria will be—
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pale of lies
To fetch a pale of sighs
To fetch a pale of—
Gargoyles.
Smile during the day
But do they cry at night?
Cry—
Like me.
Am I a gargoyle?
Like me.
Am I hideous?
Like me.
Am I glorious?
Like—
I’m a statue.
You’re a statue.
Maria broke the statue when she cleaned that morning
There was retribution
There was contraception
There was—
Another one.
She saw his face
See saw his playground
She saw the sea saw of his deception
The monkey bars of his hate
The jungle gym of his confusion
The sand box of lust
That little horse you know that goes back and—
You know the one.
Am I the one?
Maybe you always knew
Maybe you just discovered
The discovery channel
Destination: Europe
Characters: Evette, Maria, Arthur, me.
Not the aardvark.
Don’t be confused.
Don’t be—
It’s not meant to be
But when you smiled at me and you said
“I broke your statue senior”
Really you broke my corison
You didn’t even have it then
But actually you did
How could you break something that’s not yours?
How could you lose something when you never even knew where it was in the first place?
How could you just walk away, leave without a trace?
And how could you forget your reading glasses.
You’re blind without them.
I’m blind without you.
You’re deaf without him.
We’re paralyzed without each other.
It’s a long walk to the bathroom.
It’s a long walk to the—
E X P L O S I O N
In my loins
E X P L O S I O N
In my eyes
E X P L O S I O N
In my solaplexis
E X P L O—
If I could I’d write you a poet tree
If I could I’d chop you a rhyming bush
If I could I’d—
Happy Arbor Day.
Bitch.

End.

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Act VI: Working title erking bible

Dear God
Are you listening
It’s me lonliness
It’s me dispair
It’s me—
We haven’t talked in some time
We haven’t talked in some rhyme
You talk to Dr. Seuss
But I’m lonely—
Dear Baby Jesus
What would you do
If you had my lonely heart
If you had a pacifier
Would you become a pacifist
Would you stop crying
Would you stop lying
Would you stop dying
Would you stop—
Trying.
Stop.
Stop the press.
Front page news.
Actually page 6.
It’s a little blurb
Called my existence
Did you happen to catch it?
Baby Jesus?
Did you?
I bet you can’t even fuckin read
You stupid baby
Go cry to mommy…
Dear Santa
All I want for Christmas
Is my two front childhood BACK
Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
Let’s not make this difficult
I’ve got an eternal itch
Scratch me
Scratch away the fear
Scratch away the doubt
Scratch away the—
Do not pass go
Do not collect two hundred dollars
Do not
DO NOT
D.O.N.O.T.
Donut
Dunkin Donuts
Double D’s—
MARIA!
You always made life shine
Cause you used the polish
Like asked you
Actually I told you.
You always listened.
I think.
But then.
The racehorse.
The lamplight.
The pebble you kicked
With your shoe of gold
Your heart of iron.
The sound of Geetar
Playing your funeral march.
The oboe
Playing the sound of your dead duck
The hoboe
That chased you asking for coins
Asking for forgiveness
Asking for—

Dear Evette,
I miss you.
Come back to me.
Come back to Maria.
Cordially/Sincerely,
You know.

End.

The Spektors

Regina Spektor



Hallie Spektor



Yurie Spektor

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

ACT V: Panama Canal Panama Hat Panama

I woke up this morning
And it was all downhill from there
A double black diamond ski slope
Danger—untracked wilderness
Untrecked star treck
Untrecked—
A triple cream late
From a lonely cashier
Life is a sad cash register
Dispensing lies
Dispensing truths
Dispensing Dispensing Dipsensing
Dispensing—
Pink bubble gum
Smack it across your lips
Blow
Says Daddy
Teaching me to make beautiful bubbles
Teaching me to make beautiful pain
My beautiful rain
It’s a downpour
Of shame
It’s a downpour
Of blame
It’s a downpour of—
Who’s there?
What are the voices?
What do you want?
What’s that you say?
What?
Daddy?
Da—
Play me sweet tenderness
From your salty uke
From your salty—
Rough tides
Rough rides
The tide is high
And I’m holding on
For dear life
For dear wife
For dear—
Evette!
Too long have I pondered the day
You took off with Maria
To a Spanish unknown
Without a glance backwards
Without a care for me
Without your reading glasses
Without—
LONGING.
LONG.
ONGING.
GING.
GING GONG.
DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD
BLING BLONG THE BLITCH IS BLED
THE BLITCH IS—
The bitch is Fred!
Fred you bastard!
Pack up your things
And leave this place behind you
Go find Maria and Evette
They’ll be waiting at the Green Dragon Inn
Fuck them silly
Fuck them like a clown
Fuck them like there’s no tomorrow
And no yesterday
Fuck them like you don’t know when the fuck you are
Fuck—
Fuck Lionel Richie
Fuck The Beejies
Fuck Bee hives
Fuck Mozilla Firefox
Fuck War
Fuck Peace
Fuck life
Fuck death
Fuck apples
Fuck oranges
Fuck tendons
Fuck bones
Fuck marijuana
Fuck abstinence
Fuck sex education
Fuck AIDS relief
Fuck virginity
Fuck the state of Virginia
And its governor
Fuck luck
Fuck duck
Fuck the dustbuster
It could never clean my soul
It could never clean my—
I woke up this morning
And I’ve been facing an uphill battle
I’ve been slipping backwards
Into a white swirly abyss
With rainbow sprinkles
Yum.
Yum.
Ew.
It’s all been downhill from there.

End.

The moon and some fuckin planet the other night.

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Act IV: Gimme gimme more gimme more gimme gimme—

My heart:
A user’s guide.
Crack the ribs
Take it out
Take out Chinese
Chopsticks
I’d like the Kung Pow Chicken
I’d like the Kung Pow—
Step two
String out the arteries
Eat it like spaghetti
Like Lady and the Tramp
Tramp stamp
Postage stamp
The letter carrier of my sanity
Express mail.
Fed ex.
My ex.
Evette!—

Everything gets hazy
I’m lying on the floor
Thinking about the time you
The time we
Something wasn’t right
Something wicked this way comes
Something wicked—
Pills pills pills
Sleeping pills
Sinus pills
Nausia heartbearn indigestion
Nausia hearbearn—
My heart is a sun
A white dwarf
You left me for that white dwarf
You could have had a blue giant
You could have had a—
Hey there space cadet
You’re lost in that asteroid belt—
Belt?
Daddy?
I’ll give you the coordinates
The stratosphere of my solarplexis—
Solarsexist
Touchdown
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five
Four
Three
Two
Juan—
Juan Carlo
Your luscious Spanish conquistador
He raped my tribe
He scorched my earth
He tickled my fancy.
Chief running bull?
Where are you?
And where are my pants?
where are my—
Stream of conciousness
Pond of lusciosness
River of hopelessness—
The Rio Grande
You and Juan Carlo in my grandfather’s fishing rig
You could have left the nets
I cant’ see how you forgot—
The salmon smolders
Pink. Ripe. Bloody.
Like our love
Like our—
User’s guide to a broken heart
Dial 911
It’s an emergency
Do with it what you will just
Make it better
Make it better
Make i t—
A user’s guy
To your heart.

End.

The most beautiful place in the world

If you ask me anyway.



Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia. The world's largest mirror. The place I would most like to go.

And just a little more beauty for today:

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

The Hallie and Jordan Masterworks

Act III: Smash Mouth. Smash your mouth. All that rhythm is gone.

Feathers
Dust bust the sofa of my love
Unclog the drain of my hate
Mop up the floor of my yearning.
Pay Maria and the girls before they leave.
Pay—
Doctor? Does everything look allright?
I’ve been feeling a little throbbing
A little throbbing in my
The left side of my—
Arteries.
Art. Her. Arthur.
She and Arthur ran away to=2 0Europe
And I always wondered
How could she forget her reading glasses?
Pourque?
Pourque?
Poor. Poor me. Poor poor me, poor—
Maria!
Tu tienes mi corason
Mi cora—
Stage right
My broken heart
Stage left
Your broken eyes
Left unhealed
You really should have remembered your—
Class
Turn to page three hundred ninety
Three hundred nothing
Three hundred—
I love you like the rain loves the umbrella
Like the stove loves the pie
Like the lipliner loves the lips
Like the chair loves the bottom
Like the bullet loves the flesh
Like the zombies love your flesh
Why couldn’t it have been me
Why couldn’t it have been—
Brains! Brains! Brains!
Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!
I’ve gotta pass this test
Two times two is four
Nine plus nine is eighteen
But I could be wrong
You plus me minus me plus Arthur
Equals my pain
Equals my shame
Equals my—
I know my calculus
And this is one equation I’ll never solve
But I know one is the lonliest number
The lonliest—
Loneliness is a sad flower
Blooming in a pot on your windowsill
watching you eat cocoa crispies
The cocoa crispies of your dishonesty
The fruit loops of your sin
The sugar smacks of your lies
The captain crunch of your—
All aboard
This ship’s about to sail
This love’s about to sink
The sink’s about to clog
Would somebody call Maria?
Would somebody fix this?
Fix me
Fix me.
Fix me.
Daddy?

End.