Good evening this is Jordan with BFFL Media Watchdog, bringing you highlights from the #1 source in news, AOL News. We've been checking it all day along with our e-mail to tell you about some of the most hard-hitting stories of the day.
Leading off this segment today is this very important breaking news: Oprah has worn different clothes at different times in her life! Here at BFFL Media Watchdog, we understand that this is a very sensitive situation at the moment and it is still in development. We have heard reports that Oprah may be going shopping with some of her closest galpals after lunch and may pick out some new outfits . For more on how this might affect her style evolution, check back later today. We will literally be monitoring this 24/7.
Of course, one of our top stories this evening comes with this startling new report: despite popular belief, your frigid bitch of a cat does not love you, and will probably scratch your fucking face off if you get anywhere near it. As you could probably guess, this news is having repercussions all across the globe. We don't want to jump the gun, but next to Hurricane Katrina and, like, the war in Afghanistan, we think this may be the story that defines our generation.
I'm sorry but I must trash my journalistic objectivity to express my shock and amazement at this story; I simply cannot contain myself. BREAKING MOTHERFUCKING NEWS: AOL News is telling us that, due to a continuity goof, the final scene of the Disney classic '101 Dalmations' features more than 101 Dalmatians. In fact, there's at least 150 spotted dogs in the background! Holy SHIT! Holy motherloving DOGWALKER! WOAH! DAMN!
For BFFL Media Watchdog, this is Jordan. Good night.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Real life text messages...
Friend: im going to florida over my spring break i cant wait
Me: are you gonna get wild?! like have a wild spring break?
Friend: no ill be w my grandma
yeah she got a nice rack too
Me: woah hey! hey hey hey!
virgo red alert!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Who can resist this snarky addition to a bulletin board posting in Bobst?
For those of you who can't quite make out the handwriting, it says: "Starbucks is now accepting applications!"
It's funny because it's true! Also because it's sad.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Won't you please join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association? It's for a good cause and maybe you will lose ten pounds.
Every day hundreds, perhaps thousands, of starfish are washed up on beachy shores. Since they are starfish and pretty much useless they are incapable of getting back into the water. As a result, many of these starfish dry up in the hot hot sun or are eaten by ravenous seagulls. Now, I know what you're thinking: What a tragedy! Well, that's exactly what I was thinking. And that's why I created this important society/ athletic association.
I also know what else you're thinking: what can I do about this terrible problem? Well, hold your horses because I'll tell you right now. All you have to do is join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association . As a member of the society, you will be saving countless lives. Just pick up those tragic starfish and throw them back in the ocean -- it's that easy! It's so easy I could even do it.
Saving the lives of innocent starfish is just about the most noble cause there is. In fact, I can't think of a more noble cause this instant besides maybe disease and video game violence. But in addition to being extremely important and noble, this cause is also really fun! Who among us would not like throwing these sea creatures into the ocean as far as possible? I can't think of a single person. As part of our society/ athletic association you can compete amongst other members for the top prize. Whoever throws the furthest, wins! We'll send you the prize in the mail as soon as we think of one. This year's best competitor so far is my mom, who invented her own signature throw, the Sizzling Starfish Stack Shooter: