S.P.S.A.A.

Won't you please join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association? It's for a good cause and maybe you will lose ten pounds.

Every day hundreds, perhaps thousands, of starfish are washed up on beachy shores. Since they are starfish and pretty much useless they are incapable of getting back into the water. As a result, many of these starfish dry up in the hot hot sun or are eaten by ravenous seagulls. Now, I know what you're thinking: What a tragedy! Well, that's exactly what I was thinking. And that's why I created this important society/ athletic association.

I also know what else you're thinking: what can I do about this terrible problem? Well, hold your horses because I'll tell you right now. All you have to do is join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association . As a member of the society, you will be saving countless lives. Just pick up those tragic starfish and throw them back in the ocean -- it's that easy! It's so easy I could even do it.

Saving the lives of innocent starfish is just about the most noble cause there is. In fact, I can't think of a more noble cause this instant besides maybe disease and video game violence. But in addition to being extremely important and noble, this cause is also really fun! Who among us would not like throwing these sea creatures into the ocean as far as possible? I can't think of a single person. As part of our society/ athletic association you can compete amongst other members for the top prize. Whoever throws the furthest, wins! We'll send you the prize in the mail as soon as we think of one. This year's best competitor so far is my mom, who invented her own signature throw, the Sizzling Starfish Stack Shooter: