Monday, May 16, 2011

update your blog or ill kill you

cyndi: u should do a fake advice column for like summer tips
me: i don't get it! explain.
cyndi: in your blog make pretend questions ppl asked u for advice and u answer them.

OK so I guess upon pain of death I present....

"KEEP YOUR TIPS UP: A Summer Advice Blog by Jordan for the readers of BFFL (Cyndi)"

Dear Jordan,

I have "Soak Up The Sun" by Sheryl Crow stuck in my head, what do I do?

-Your Friend the Communist

Dear Communist,

I can't believe I'm even answering this question because I hate communists (Obamanists) and love America. But anyway I find that whenever I get "Soak Up The Sun" stuck in my head, the best way to get it out is to sing it everywhere and everywhere to everyone. I also find that is the best way to be pummeled by random strangers. Good luck!

Dear Jordan,

Last week I went to the try outs for the school basketball team. But when I got there it seemed like all the girls were 10 feet tall. I got scared and wanted to leave.

- Marquisha

Dear Marquisha,

I don't think that actually qualifies as a question but listen Marquisha, don't doubt yourself, believe in yourself, you're really great. Come on let's go. Girls Inc., inspiring all girls to be strong, smart, and bowld.

Dear Jordan,

I can't decide on my tattoo. Should I get a tattoo of Captain Planet, because I love the planet, and nostalgia. Or I don't know should I get my favorite Andy Warhol quote, "The world fascinate me," because it's kind of true, you know? Like, I AM fascinated by the world! Ugh but idk I kind of really want to get a tattoo of this design that my boyfriend made in Photoshop-- it's of a heart with a tree growing out of it and sprouting from the tree is a dove. It's kind of complicated but basically it means that love creates peace. Know what I mean? Ugh I don't know what to get.

- Frail Caucasian Indie Girl

Dear Indie Girl,

Why don't you get a tattoo of my face looking like this on your forehead:

Because that's what I'm going to look like whenever I run into you as you leave your "Re-imagining the Deconstructionist Identity of Urban Communities in a Post-Consumer Era" class with whatever bullshit you decide to put on yourself. I think it would look totally cute on you!