seeing double

One of our staff photographers literally dressed as me for Halloween. Mortifyingly accurate.

Incoherent Class Comment Mad Lib

Yeah, I was just gonna say that, like, just going off of what (INTELLIGENT CLASSMATE'S NAME) said, when (MISPRONUNCIATION OF AUTHOR'S NAME) was talking about (IDEA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND) it reminded me of this book we're reading for my (UNRELATED SUBJECT) class, about the notion of (BUZZWORD). And I just thought it was interesting that, how, it just talks about (LONG AND INCOHERENT EXPLANATION OF ANECDOTE). And so it just relates to that whole idea of like (POOR REPRESENTATION OF THE ACTUAL IDEA BEING DISCUSSED) and (BUZZWORD) and what you said earlier. That's actually kind of what my concentration is about, kind of that intersection of (RANDOM BULLSHIT) and (RANDOM BULLSHIT). And so yeah, so...(RANDOM MUMBLING)....(BUZZWORD)....(MISPRONUNCIATION OF AUTHOR'S NAME)... like just that whole idea.

Why do all diseases look the same?

Tuberculosis
Cholera
E. Coli


These diseases are sheep! Following the herd. How droll.

Advil for 4.99?! AHHHHHH!!!!!!

So much savings! I'm frightened! Help!

I picked up this coupon brochure on the way to work this morning and I was so pleased. When I got to the office I definitely waved the brochure in front of everyone's faces and said "Scaaaaaary saaaaaavings." I am the office darling.

Growing expectations

Old man begging outside Starbucks:

"Can anybody help me out with a smoothie today? Can anybody help me out?"

Poem

Life is Precious.

Why you so

damn fat

Precious?!

We killed this mofuckin squash

Killed it dead.

Seize the day boys

I've had some weird memento mori moments recently and both of them were dumb.

The first occurred in a pet store, obviously. Ashley and I were passing one of these hideous monsters in a tank with some other fish

when all of a sudden it just fucking inhaled this little baby fish! And when he spit it out, the tiny fish had no more head! I was like "Holy shit Ashley, did you see that?! I can't believe we just saw that!" And she was like, "Jordan stop staring at it, God." Then she went to look at the birds. All the while this half a fish was just like floating at the top of the tank and getting blown around by the filter. I was memorized.

The second momento mori moment happened this morning when I was walking to class. I was walking toward Broadway when I heard a very loud thud. When I looked at the intersection, there was a guy flying through the air! It was a biker, and he was in the process of being hit by a fucking TAXI! It literally looked like this except with a taxi instead of a regular car obv:

Instead of dying, the guy just got up off the ground, gave a thumbs up to the cabby and walked away! Meanwhile I was just standing there like "*GASP*" Literally, I think I said something like "JESUS!" I couldn't even help myself. I told people about it when I got to class and they were like, "Fuck, man, wow..." and I was like, "I know!"

Count your blessings everyone. I've counted twice recently. Life is so fragile. You just never know.

One day on earth

This is really cool. Get involved if you like: