Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Wide World of Finance

The economy is crashing around us! What do we do?

In the wake of this panic, I have asked my leading economic consult, Stern Business School Undergraduate John (my roommate), to create a new set of terms with which to bewilder, confuse, and in no way console the anxious public. What you see below is a list of some of the most cutting-edge, theoretical finance bullshit that will surely be the talk of the the water cooler this earning quarter and be of no help to anyone. I thank John for his contribution, and on behalf of all of us, I'd like to add: God help us.

1. Riskless Derivative Buyout
2. Internal Interest Inversion IRS
3. Leveraged Fiduciary Dividened Model
4. Rich-Poor Volatility Index
5. Accrued Asset Acquisition
6. Bullish Bearish Portfolio Margin
7. Private Efficiency Options Net Payout
8. Rational De Facto Cash Flow
9. Ponzi-Quasi- Equity
10. Captital Value Appreciating Amortization

Also, just for the fans at home I've included a photo (below) of John struggling to access his inner gangsta:


  1. look this has nothing to do with you.
    Okay so here is what I hate:
    I'm in dos t's getting my usual overpriced mexican fix and i see in my periphs these two yuppie couples having a convo and you know that i cannot help but overhear everythign they are sayign. It went somethign like this and excuse my typos but this is frantic:

    Girl: Yeah we've been looking for years and we finally found it
    Guy: I know! I've been living in the city for 15 years and now it's here!
    Girl: IT really is the BEST burrito in town
    GUy: It's practically perfect!

    I mean what is that shit? I have a friend who works at this place and he's like, "I just don't fuckign get it. THe food is just so so and these people love it" And he's right. I mean its not bad but its also 10 bucks a meal and for mexican food. I mean maybe I'm just biased since i come from the south where mexican food is legitimate and cheap and proper. But come on. I mean there is something seriously wrong with these people.

  2. Fun. And tell Joel to calm down. Though I agree $10 for Mex food is too much! ~MLK

  3. Thanks Joel for your comments. They are being processed by the BestFriendForLifeLong staff currently. At the moment, we are very backed up with user feedback, so you should expect a response from one of our public relations representatives within the next three to four decades.

  4. Thanks for your comment, anonymous poster MLK! You have an incredible taste in blog.

    Don't mind Joel; his wholesome Southern upbringing has not properly conditioned him for the bustling city life. The results of this culture clash have been unsettling for us all.

  5. Let me clarify. I am not above spending absurd amounts of money on food (Jordan can attest to my lavish pb&j habits) but it's more the fact that these "cultured" yuppies think that they have really discovered something great when in fact it's well known that the food is just okay. I mean. It's just a little frustrating.

  6. I would like to meet Joel. Can he pass the acid test? ~MLK