Breaking News

AOL News Watchdog Update! Today we get this super important breaking news: the Vice President's wife wears colors! And she wore a "sexy" dinner dress?

Why, in the name of all things actually sexy do we need to know this? AOL News please, please, have mercy on us!

I Pledge of Alegiance

I wrote a play for July 4 and everyone performed it! So much fun! Here is a beautiful photo of the performance, courtesy of my mom.

Jammin

Oh I wish I could hang out on a boardwalk with frosted tips.

Anyway, off to work!

Jormo

I just thought of an idea. I'm going to make my own magazine called Jormo where I give out advice to people about sex, love, fashion, and dating.

Here's a preview of my first issue:

Cover photo-- beautiful woman smiling and looking confident

Cover story-- 15,000 sex secrets (we'll give you a hint: they all involve ice)

Q&A-- Q: Hey Jormo, I can't get my bf to love me he just plays video games all the time. Help? A: You should turn into a video game!

Sex Tip -- Pleasure zones!

Poll-- What's your favorite thing to do? A) Hair B) Jazzercise C) Study D) Charity

Time for Fashion-- Dresses are in this year! So are shoes!

Talk about the weather

Here are things you can say if you want to talk about how hot it is:

1. Hot enough for you?

2. Another scorcher!

3. It's killer out there, huh?

4. So sticky out there! So humid!

5. Oof!

6. Gosh I'm sweating!

7. It's hot!

8. Dying!

9. I wish it were snowing instead of being hot!

10. I could just perish!

11. Can you believe how hot it is?

12. I'm sweating balls!

13. You could fry an egg out there!

14. Put me out of my misery!

Today I googled "girls wearing north face" and this is what came up.

update your blog or ill kill you

cyndi: u should do a fake advice column for like summer tips

me: i don't get it! explain.

cyndi: in your blog make pretend questions ppl asked u for advice and u answer them.

OK so I guess upon pain of death I present....

"KEEP YOUR TIPS UP: A Summer Advice Blog by Jordan for the readers of BFFL (Cyndi)"

Dear Jordan,

I have "Soak Up The Sun" by Sheryl Crow stuck in my head, what do I do?

-Your Friend the Communist

Dear Communist,

I can't believe I'm even answering this question because I hate communists (Obamanists) and love America. But anyway I find that whenever I get "Soak Up The Sun" stuck in my head, the best way to get it out is to sing it everywhere and everywhere to everyone. I also find that is the best way to be pummeled by random strangers. Good luck!

Dear Jordan,

Last week I went to the try outs for the school basketball team. But when I got there it seemed like all the girls were 10 feet tall. I got scared and wanted to leave.

- Marquisha

Dear Marquisha,

I don't think that actually qualifies as a question but listen Marquisha, don't doubt yourself, believe in yourself, you're really great. Come on let's go. Girls Inc., inspiring all girls to be strong, smart, and bowld.

Dear Jordan,

I can't decide on my tattoo. Should I get a tattoo of Captain Planet, because I love the planet, and nostalgia. Or I don't know should I get my favorite Andy Warhol quote, "The world fascinate me," because it's kind of true, you know? Like, I AM fascinated by the world! Ugh but idk I kind of really want to get a tattoo of this design that my boyfriend made in Photoshop-- it's of a heart with a tree growing out of it and sprouting from the tree is a dove. It's kind of complicated but basically it means that love creates peace. Know what I mean? Ugh I don't know what to get.

- Frail Caucasian Indie Girl

Dear Indie Girl,

Why don't you get a tattoo of my face looking like this on your forehead:

Because that's what I'm going to look like whenever I run into you as you leave your "Re-imagining the Deconstructionist Identity of Urban Communities in a Post-Consumer Era" class with whatever bullshit you decide to put on yourself. I think it would look totally cute on you!

STOP THE PRESSES

Puh-leeeeeeez

He's still got it

Remember when John used to listen to songs and then describe the scene that plays in his head while he listens? Well, we just did that. Here it is.

"The Light" by Album Leaf- There's a lady on a boat looking out at the San Fransisco Bay. She is running her hands on the rail of the boat while contemplating. Flashback! It's Christmas time in the city of San Fransisco. You're looking over a bedroom streamed with clothes and there's shattered glass. She's sitting in the corner crying. Back to the boat! She kind of takes her hand and rubs it through her hair. She looks very distraught. She sees somethign off in the distance in the bay. The mist is clearing as the boat heads into the bay. She looks behind her and there's her daughter holding onto a little teddy bear. And she beckons to her daughter to come toward her and picks her up and holds her in her arms. She whispers, "We;ll be okay, Sam, we'll be okay."

"Redford" by Sufjan Stevens- A car is driving through the plains. It's a pickup truck. There's one person in the front seat, two sitting in the back in raggedy clothes. The car speeds through the plains. You see smoke up ahead, gray ashes drifting through the air. As the car keeps on heading in you see people walking away from the smoke carrying all their luggage and belongings. They look at each other with desperate eyes. The car keeps on speeding through. It's the city where everything is lying around in ashes. Houses are broken down with debris all over. The car slides in front of a building that is torn in half. Two men quickly rush in, running up the stairs pushing away trash until they discover.....

"Black Hawk War" by Sufjan Stevens-- A boy wakes up and runs down the stairs extremely hungry but following the scent of bacon from the saucepan. He doesn't know where he is or how he ended up there. But he keeps following the smell. He runs and runs and runs, running through legs of people jumping over crevices, sniffing. Wait...this is a weird song.

On Dreams

JOHN: I had this dream where I was talking to this girl and all of a sudden inflation exploded in Argentina and the girl simultaneously exploded. And then I woke up.

JORDAN: :P

:(

There are so many weird and sad people in the world, and a lot of the time you don't see them because they are either crying in their bedrooms or you are too busy checking your iPhone to notice.

The other day I was in the food court of an airport of all places and there was a woman there playing the flute rather poorly over really horrible canned muzak. She was really frumpy but she had clearly dressed up for the occasion with black slacks and this weird psychedelic silk shirt. Her husband was there too, just sitting next to her waiting to change the muzak CD.

I don't know why stuff like this always gets to me. Maybe it's a family thing. Caleb, for instance, still can't pass a Sleepy's without thinking of the sad employee he met there like two years ago, who seemed to have no hope and no happiness sitting in an endless room of mattresses. I guess I just feel that subtle hardship-- like being lonely, unappreciated, or awkward-- can sometimes be more difficult to stomach than show-stopping hardship.

As I sat there listening to her finale of "Climb Every Mountain" end with no applause I could not help but feel overwhelmed with sadness. I almost couldn't enjoy my Cinnabon.

Soon it was time to go to the gate, so I took one last forlorn look at the scene and melodramatically checked my e-mail two more times. My heart was torn to shreds.

Hat on Stick

So a couple weeks ago I went to the rally in support of Planned Parenthood with some frendz. Why? Because I am what a feminist looks like! Just look at the button I got if you don't believe me.

Okay well I lied about the button, they had them but I never got one. Double drat! But anyway, oh man I had so much fun! Things got so crazy I almost burned my bra!

Really though, some weird stuff went down, and that's because weird stuff always goes down at rallies. Especially when those rallies are in Manhattan.

The weirdest thing I saw was this:



What does this mean, exactly? Is there something political about this hat that I'm not understanding? Is it just supposed to be hilarious or is there a deeper meaning?

Anyway, I felt the rally feeling like a super feminist, and at least a little confused. But that's better than being confused and just an OK feminist, which is how I usually feel.

Me and my iPhone-- A story of love, life, and iPhone

The iPhone-- more than just a gadget. A helper, a friend, and a way of life. For people who love their phones as more than just a phone this book is just for you: Me and my iPhone-- A story of love, life, and iPhone.

Ever think of all the great times you've had with your Apple iPhone? That time you used it to take a picture with your friends that you would later blog or post to your Facebook? That time you got lost on the way to MoMa, but your iPhone helped you get there? All the million times you used screen reflection to check for junk in your teeth? That time where you bonded with a cute classmate over how much you love your matching iPhones? This book has moments like that...AND MORE!

This is a collection of stories about the gadget that's always there -- from the second you wake up in the morning, to the time you go to bed. They are heartwarming, full of fun, family, and iPhone. What more could you want in a book? Perhaps if it came with an iPhone? Maybe for the second edition.

Get your copy of Me and My iPhone today!

How to talk about Egypt without knowing a damn thing

I've been interviewing and talking to people and sitting in undergrad classes all over the city lately and I've discovered an annoying trend: People are running their mouths about the situation in Egypt 24/7, but the fact is, they have basically no idea what they're talking about. In fact, I've found that most opinionated people talking about Egypt didn't know the first thing about the situation there until about 2 weeks ago.

Full disclosure: I didn't know anything about Egypt before the revolution, and I still don't know anything. But I'm not making any bold proclamations! And I'm certainly not doing it in class!

So if you want to sound concerned about Egypt, here's a product for you-- the "How to talk about Egypt without knowing a damn thing" Mad Lib!


Well, I think, personally, that the situation over there is really (NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE) and I really just think it's great that the people are doing what they're doing. But I don't really know, because like, it's so (NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE) it's hard to know what's the best thing to do.

Like, obviously, anything is better than (AUTOCRAT STARTING WITH LETTER M), considering all the (BAD STUFF) he did but who knows , I mean sometimes, as the saying goes, (IDIOM TO THE EFFECT OF THE DEMON YOU KNOW IS BETTER THAN THE DEMON YOU DON'T KNOW). And who knows what could happen, you know, like, once this happens, like will (DOOMSDAY SCENARIO) take hold, causing (DOOMSDAY SCENARIO) and even (DOOMSDAY SCENARIO)? Like, that could totally be the case.

But really I think the US is not innocent here because we backed (AUTOCRAT STARTING WITH LETTER M) even that we knew he was a (ADJECTIVE), (ADJECTIVE), (ADJECTIVE) autocrat. And I just read this article in (PUBLICATION FOR WHITE PEOPLE) and it was talking about how like (CONTENT OF ARTICLE) and that really makes sense to me, probably because I didn't know anything about this until my friend told me about in on gchat.

So I think it will be interesting to see what happens.

Okay call me ignorant but I hate reading shit from like 400 years ago! It makes no sense! Listen, OK, this is from Hobbes:

He does not therein deny that there be covenants; and that they are sometimes broken, sometimes kept; and that such breach of them may be called injustice, and the observance of them justice: but he questioneth whether injustice, taking away the fear of God (for the same fool hath said in his heart there is no God), not sometimes stand with that reason which dictateth to every man his own good; and particularly then, when it conduceth to such a benefit as shall put a man in a condition to neglect not only the dispraise and revilings, but also the power of other men.

Maybe I shouldn't be trying to read this like an hour before class (and I definitely shouldn't be blogging about it an hour before class), but I simply don't understand why everyone back in the day had to write sentences like these! Have they no consideration for the 21st century assholes trying to read this shit on their Macbooks?

Media Watchdog

Good evening this is Jordan with BFFL Media Watchdog, bringing you highlights from the #1 source in news, AOL News. We've been checking it all day along with our e-mail to tell you about some of the most hard-hitting stories of the day.

Leading off this segment today is this very important breaking news: Oprah has worn different clothes at different times in her life! Here at BFFL Media Watchdog, we understand that this is a very sensitive situation at the moment and it is still in development. We have heard reports that Oprah may be going shopping with some of her closest galpals after lunch and may pick out some new outfits . For more on how this might affect her style evolution, check back later today. We will literally be monitoring this 24/7.
Of course, one of our top stories this evening comes with this startling new report: despite popular belief, your frigid bitch of a cat does not love you, and will probably scratch your fucking face off if you get anywhere near it. As you could probably guess, this news is having repercussions all across the globe. We don't want to jump the gun, but next to Hurricane Katrina and, like, the war in Afghanistan, we think this may be the story that defines our generation.

I'm sorry but I must trash my journalistic objectivity to express my shock and amazement at this story; I simply cannot contain myself. BREAKING MOTHERFUCKING NEWS: AOL News is telling us that, due to a continuity goof, the final scene of the Disney classic '101 Dalmations' features more than 101 Dalmatians. In fact, there's at least 150 spotted dogs in the background! Holy SHIT! Holy motherloving DOGWALKER! WOAH! DAMN!

For BFFL Media Watchdog, this is Jordan. Good night.

girlz gone wild

Real life text messages...

Friend: im going to florida over my spring break i cant wait

Me: are you gonna get wild?! like have a wild spring break?

Friend: no ill be w my grandma

yeah she got a nice rack too

Me: woah hey! hey hey hey!

virgo red alert!

P.S.

Just realized that like every other post on this blog is about the library.

For more on what this says about my personal life, stay tuned to Best Friend For Lifelong as I sort through the troubling implications...

Elmer Holmes Snark

Who can resist this snarky addition to a bulletin board posting in Bobst?

For those of you who can't quite make out the handwriting, it says: "Starbucks is now accepting applications!"

It's funny because it's true! Also because it's sad.

GOOOOO Bobcats!

S.P.S.A.A.

Won't you please join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association? It's for a good cause and maybe you will lose ten pounds.

Every day hundreds, perhaps thousands, of starfish are washed up on beachy shores. Since they are starfish and pretty much useless they are incapable of getting back into the water. As a result, many of these starfish dry up in the hot hot sun or are eaten by ravenous seagulls. Now, I know what you're thinking: What a tragedy! Well, that's exactly what I was thinking. And that's why I created this important society/ athletic association.

I also know what else you're thinking: what can I do about this terrible problem? Well, hold your horses because I'll tell you right now. All you have to do is join the Starfish Preservation Society & Athletic Association . As a member of the society, you will be saving countless lives. Just pick up those tragic starfish and throw them back in the ocean -- it's that easy! It's so easy I could even do it.

Saving the lives of innocent starfish is just about the most noble cause there is. In fact, I can't think of a more noble cause this instant besides maybe disease and video game violence. But in addition to being extremely important and noble, this cause is also really fun! Who among us would not like throwing these sea creatures into the ocean as far as possible? I can't think of a single person. As part of our society/ athletic association you can compete amongst other members for the top prize. Whoever throws the furthest, wins! We'll send you the prize in the mail as soon as we think of one. This year's best competitor so far is my mom, who invented her own signature throw, the Sizzling Starfish Stack Shooter: