Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Worst Place Ever
Let us tell you about the worst place in the world. Oh man is it terrible. It sucks. A whole bunch.
First of all, everyone has explosive diarrhea every day.
Second of all, chocolate does not exist. It was never invented.
Third of all, when people see you they SPIT ON YOUR SHOES! Then they insult your mother.
The king of our dystopia, which is now called Agonyville, is Miley Cyrus. Miley rules Agonyville with an iron fist. Everyone must boy down to her and listen to her music all the time. Also everyone wears shackles and there are no colors. The forecast for Agonyville today is rain with a chance of killer tornadoes and volcanoes.
There is no sun in Agonyville. It exploded so instead we have a giant fluorescent lightbulb in the sky. It hurts everyone's eyes and the whole world is like an office building.
People have to go to school all day long forever and they only study rocks and math. You can never be comfortable here, instead of pillows and blankets, we have rocks and rocks.
Instead of having a magical creature for a pet, or like a kitty or whatever, you get a cockroach, a beetle, or a giant slug. If you do want a kitty for a pet, you can only get a dead one. And those are no fun in case you didn't know.
Instead of music we have the sound of loud machinery. The instruments people use are loud machinery. When people hear this music they tear out their hair instead of dancing. The most popular dance here is the Kill Yourself in which you actually kill yourself. It's not really dancing. Not in the slightest.
The only smells here are sewage, garbage, and skunk. The only colognes and perfumes are also sewage, garbage, and skunk. Everything smells bad.
Another thing you should know about this place is that everyone hates everyone. Friendship is not even invented here. If you like someone, you're supposed to kick, punch, or fist that person in the face until they pass out. Then you get married forever.
Everyone here wears clothes from Abercrombie & Death. There's never a sale and everything looks totally drab. It's all expensive. A tee shirt costs 2 million dollars. Minimum wage is one penny. This is a bad situation.
Every thursday lava comes down from Mount Hideous and kills all the coolest people and all the hot ones.
You always spill your coffee on yourself. Your alarm never goes off when it's supposed to. Your clothes always shrink in the laundry. Every day is a bad hair day. You always have to pee really bad and can't find a bathroom. You always fart when everyone can hear you. You always forget your keys and your wallet. You always get speeding tickets. Something terrible happens to you every hour on the hour.
Fun is AGAINST THE LAW.
The mascot of Agonyville is Rupert, the Three Legged Puppy. The colors are grey and dark grey. They clash and look bad on everyone and make you look fat in your outfit which if you forgot costs like a billion dollars. The national pasttime of Agonyville is hweeping and also watching clowns!
The only food available is burnt toast. There are ALWAYS PUBES IN YOUR FUDE. The food takes forever to make. It goes STRAIGHT to your hips. Literally. Everyone has really big hips.
THe number one rule of Agonyville is that you must have the worst day of your life every day of your life. If it's going well you go to jail. Everyone's pants are too short.
No one has poetry bands. Poetry bands don't exist in this world. If you have a poetry band you are considered a criminal and go to jail without a phone call to your bandmate.
Your parents don't love you. In fact they try to ruin your life every day and embarrass you and shit. Like they'll say "What's up,G?" to your friends and shit. And your friends will be like, "WTF?!" And your parents will be like, "LOL" but they'll actually say LOL out loud and it will be terrrriibbbbllleeee.
In conclusion, this is our worst place ever. Don't go there or else!