Being in a foreign country for a week, I had time to reflect, to think about things that matter in my life, to really use the old noggin. I came to a number of conclusions about a number of important subjects.
So let's talk about Lizzie McGuire. First:
Why does Miranda exist?
Miranda has no purpose on Lizzie McGuire. She isn't funny. She has no skills (except I think playing the violin, but they just made that up for one episode). She doesn't have a crush on Lizzie. That's why they managed to get away with saying she was on "vacation" during the entire movie in which everyone ELSE was on vacation in the movie! It made no sense but nobody cared because Miranda is useless, and would have done better for herself if she had been left on a deserted island (with a copy of Harry Potter 4 of course). And this is her myspace
Why does Gordo like Lizzie?
Here's the deal. Everyone loves David Gordon -- his luscious jewfro, his awkward yet endearing kid-next-door personality, and his well-placed sarcasm. Who can resist? The answer: Lizzie. One might be tempted to ask, primarily, why Lizzie would not be interested in such a charming young man. However, the more important question is why would such a charming young man be interested in Lizzie? Love her or hate her (hate her), Lizzie is not Gordo's type. She's clumsy, and whiny, and has had a crush on this weird douchebag (more on that later) for like twelve and half years. Gordo is in a whole different league. This is why Gordo's love for Lizzie is his only character flaw. I feel bad for Gordo and I think he should be consoled with a giant tub of gelato (his favorite).
Why are the "attractive" characters not attractive? Why does Lizzie get to conveniently have a flair for singing only in the movie? Why the orange bouncy balls?
These are important questions for which I simply don't have an answer. Lizzie McGuire was sort of the beginning of the end of the era of good Disney Channel shows, which once included Smart Guy and Even Stevens. After the show was canceled, nothing good happened to any of the actors. Miranda pled guilty to crystal meth possession. Ethan Craft started playing water polo. And as we all know, Lizzie turned into a horse.