So you guys probably know how I feel about the Internet, technology, everything, etc. Basically, I think it's a waste of time. However, one of my guilty pleasures is going onto the AIM and Facebook accounts of my friends and having conversations (incognito, of course) with their friends.

I thought it would be hard-hitting to share some of these conversations with you. So that's what I'm doing. Here's the first one. I was on Joel's facebook and....


Me:
oh man
listen to this:
i feel terrible
just awful
you know you have to drink 8 oz. of water when you take a mucinex?

Girl:
hahah yeahhh lol but i never do
im trying to figure out where this story is going hahah

Me:
it's going places you never dreamed

Girl:
hahahah
well then continue

Me:
the plot thickens (much like my mucus):

Girl:
EWWW

Me:
actually that's basically it.
i feel terrible.
i miss you and all the times we had.
that's the sparknotes version

Girl:
im not really understanding this niceness thing u got going on towards me
like im confused

Me:
well the truth is this:
im a changed man
i've had some experiences
things are different

Me:
ohhh really?!

Me:
ahhhhh....nah
i changed my mind
you suck

Girl:
joelll

Me:
wait never mind
can we just start over?
remember that time
you know
when we did this fun stuff or whatever
that was the best time
why can't we do that more

Me:
ur crazyyyy

Me:
and you're beautiful

Girl:
i wojld love to do funnnn stuffff
take me away from binghamtonnnnn
tell me about nyu!!

Me:
all right but only because you're worth it
nyu
what a place
people everywhere
wearing shirts with cats on them
cats with shirts on
it's fucking wild
it's ajungle over here
i just saw a monkey

Me:
hahahhah what r u onnnn
i wanna go to ur college!

Me:
i want to go to your pants. wait no. i want to go to your college.

Girl:
do u ever see melissa

Me:
who's melissa? yeah i see her
what's with the 9th degree?

Girl:
what do u mean

Me:
oh it's just a bit of banter
you've got to lighten up, girl
lighten that load

Girl:
sorry im just unpacking
have u gone to visit the canadiansss

Me:
canadianssss? oh!! you mean the canadians.
yeah i been there. done that. smoked it. drank it. cooked it for dinner.
but that's not important right now.

Girl:
it is!!
i wanna go

Me:
what's important is you and me and that sexy black dress you wore that one time.
or was it a scarf? i dont recall.
either way it was sexy as all hell

Girl:
ohhhh joeelll
well whats important is that i want to go
and u should comeee so i dont have to drive alone

Me:
or you could just listen to a book on tape

Girl:
booo

Me:
it works wonders and that way i wouldn't have to sit through a long lousy car ride with you

Girl:
my mom does that
thats not entertaining
road trips r sooo fun

Me:
thinking about one with you makes me suicidal but i know absolutely what you mean
i like the feeling of the wind in my hair
and the sounds of the open road
AMERICA!

Girl:
hahahahhaha
well actually its half america
half canada

Me:
tomatoe tomahtoe
i hate tomatoes
but i like you
girl, you don't even know
you don't even know the half of it
and i won't tell the other half!
listen why don't you just stay at your college and i'll stay at mine okay?
i can't take this shit any more
i'm stressed and i got the runs
and now i got to run
i'll talk to you later grrrrrrrrl

Girl:
ohhh boy
hahaha
enjoyyy crazyy
if u ever reconsider
let me know im thinking of going in feb

Me:
i might be dead by then

Girl:

welll hopefully not

Me:
i'll let you know
stay beautiful grlllll
keep smiling

Girl:
bye

Where do street carts come from?

I was walking along East 4th street last night and came upon this, the resting spot of (at least some) of NYC's street carts! It was magical almost, like finding the birthplace of the stars.....or something.

One time I was walking past the line to get into Trader Joe's and I heard some asshole comment, "People like to feel like sheep." What an asshole.

Anyway, this is the reality of shopping for groceries in the city. I am convinced there is a time of day when Trader Joe's is not absurdly crowded, but I haven't figured out when that is yet.

Photo courtesy of JR.

Orchids and Bongs

Is this the only place in the world where you can buy these two things within a foot of one another?

Happy 300th Birthday BFFL!

300 posts! So many memories with this blog....too bad I've forgotten all of them. Fortunately, I have a bunch of very good looking and intelligent readers to recall all the good times for me. So without further ado, I'll present REAL testimony from REAL people about how great my blog is. For your new year's resolution tell everyone to read my blog-- actually, just tell the people you don't like. Why impose something like that on a friend?

Hallie (via e-mail):

What is there to say about BFFL? On the one hand, nothing. On the other hand, everything.

My lifelong best friendship with BFFL began on the day that the blog was conceived, pretty much. That's right, I knew this blog when it was only a baby with all that shit on it that's on babies when they're born. Since that day, my relationship with BFFL has changed in many ways. In other ways it has remained completely the same.

I have much to owe to BFFL. For one thing, this blog has catapulted me and Jordan's poetry band Partners in Rhyme to a status of fame not unlike Lady Gaga's status of fame. I would say that overall my relationship with BFFL has been a good romance.

For another thing BFFL has provided me with countless lolz, numerous lmao's, and even the occasional roflcopter!

For another thing BFFL has allowed me to keep tabs on my facebookless bandmate. Let's be honest, the band would have pobably fallen apart long ago if not for BFFL.

So in conclustion, happy 300th birthday BFFL, and keep it real.

Love,
Hallie

Ashley (after me begging for 10 minutes)

You're adorable.

Caleb (via e-mail)

BFFL is a controversial piece... So compelling. So repelling. So confrontational. So non-confrontational... So hot, and yet, so cold. Truth be told, I am an avid reader of BFFL. I am also an arid reader. I need some fluids. Happy birthday, BFFL! May the next 300 be just as juicy and hilariously sarcastic!

Blanton (in real life)

Jordan: Blanton, say something about how my blog has changed your life!
Blanton: What?

Ellen (wrote this in my notebook)

I didn't think I would like visiting Jordan's blog. And then I went and confirmed my suspicions. But then I went a third time out of utter and desperate boredom. I saw the "sleeping student" photos and realized that Jordan is actually an artistic genius and literary mastermind!"

Leigh (in real life)

It brings a new perspective to my life. It will result in multiple epiphanies, you like that? That's a buzz word, epiphany.

Anne (via ichat)

Jordan:
can you do me a favor right now very quickly? here it is: write something about how my blog has changed your life
Anne:
i haven't read your blog
Jordan:
include that in what you say
honesty is the best policy
except when you're talking about my hat
don't insult my hat!
Anne:
well your blog has changed my life merely by taking up more space on the world wide web, and ultimately slowing down the speed of my internet connection
there YOU go
Jordan:
thanks anne
Anne:
haha
that wasn't sincere
Jordan:
i liked it

My mom (via ichat)

Jordan:
i am trying to think of what to do for the 300th post
i want people to write testimony about how my blog has changed them forever
Mom:
I can do that!!
who are you going to ask?
and pictures....
appropriate pictures showing the impact of the blog.
Jordan:
yes that's a good idea
write something for me now
whatever comes to mind
Mom:
ok. but not on the im!
Jordan:
yes, on IM!
it should be spontaneous!
my blog is very now
Mom:
BFFL is my hero! It is the heartbeat, pulse, soul, if you will, of the moment. It puts the "now" in the now generation. Thank you BFFL. We love you!
Jordan:
perfect, you're the best

Ding ding dong

Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping?
Brother John, brother John?
Morning bells are ringing! Morning bells are ringing!
Ding, ding, dong. Ding, ding, dong.

The Wide World of Finance

The economy is crashing around us! What do we do?

In the wake of this panic, I have asked my leading economic consult, Stern Business School Undergraduate John (my roommate), to create a new set of terms with which to bewilder, confuse, and in no way console the anxious public. What you see below is a list of some of the most cutting-edge, theoretical finance bullshit that will surely be the talk of the the water cooler this earning quarter and be of no help to anyone. I thank John for his contribution, and on behalf of all of us, I'd like to add: God help us.

1. Riskless Derivative Buyout
2. Internal Interest Inversion IRS
3. Leveraged Fiduciary Dividened Model
4. Rich-Poor Volatility Index
5. Accrued Asset Acquisition
6. Bullish Bearish Portfolio Margin
7. Private Efficiency Options Net Payout
8. Rational De Facto Cash Flow
9. Ponzi-Quasi- Equity
10. Captital Value Appreciating Amortization

Also, just for the fans at home I've included a photo (below) of John struggling to access his inner gangsta:

Now they're listening to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool. Is this a nightmare?

The King of Blogspot

Get it? Huh? Huh? Cause her middle name is King?

Anyway, B thought she was going to have a low-profile 100th post, but, well, she was wrong. Look what's happening, B! This!

There are so many things to say about B. I could talk about the things that she dreams, or the things that she wishes, or the things that she imagines.... Unfortunately, those all mean the same thing, and I don't happen to know any of them.

So I guess I'll just say a few things. For one, I'll say if you don't follow B's blog already, just start doing it. Why wait another second? Why even wait half a second? The other thing I'll say is "Roarrrr" because B likes tigers.

CLICK HERE

Listen guys, a 100th post doesn't happen just every day. It happens one day. You can't miss the opportunity to celebrate! I remember my 100th post like it was yesterday-- what a great moment in the history of this blog! Too bad it has only gone downhill from there.

But hey, that doesn't mean B won't have a bright and beautiful future with her site! If you start reading it I bet it will be even more bright and even more beautiful!

I'm in the UHall Commons right now and there's a flirtatious dude and dudette laughing at "Charlie the Unicorn." I am thinking angry thoughts.