Saturday, April 18, 2009

Welcome to Emerson!

It's tour season! I wrote a script for the tour guides to give the "real deal" sense of what Emerson is like.

Lady: So can you tell me about the students here?
Me: Emerson boasts one of the most diverse student populations in the country. Students vary from snow white to ivory colored to cream colored. The students also have a wide variety of political views including: liberal, very liberal, Democrat, and socialist. They also have a range of career aspirations including: being unemployed and being world famous.

Lady: What do they do for fun?
Me: Emerson kids do all sorts of activities. Some students like to sit in their rooms and listen to fuckin indie music while others like to go out and listen to live fuckin indie music. Other students like to sit in trees, play "who's in my mouth," and re-read Chuck Palanuck novels. On weekends, students like to smoke, drink, drink, smoke, and do illegals.

Lady: What's the sex life like here?
Me: Emerson kids have some of the most diverse sex in the world. Options include getting fucked anally and getting fucked anally. There are lots of places to do it including the common room, the laundry room, the hallway, your teacher, the dining hall, and the elevators. You can do it with a person of your same gender, a different gender, a different species, or yourself!

Lady: Can you tell me about classes?
Me: Classes are optional. Everyone gets an A. If you actually do the work you also get a sticker.

Lady: What are some of the most common complaints you hear from the students?
Me: "The walk from 80 to 120 boylston is too long!" "my pants got baggier in the wash!" "President Leebergut looked at me weird!" "My butt hurts!" and "The Animal Collective CD is sold out!"

Lady: What is the fashion like?
Me: Emerson is fashion forward. Kids like to wear pants that reduce their sperm count, shirts that reduce their sperm count, and hoodies that reduce your sperm count. Most common shopping spots are H&M, Urban Outfitters, and the garbage.

Lady: What is financial aid like?
Me: Students get all sorts of financial aid. They could get as much as 5 dollars per semester in aid! Other students just get fucked in the asshole.


  1. omg haha I laughed at like every sentence

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Sarah Lawrence = Emerson - money


    Sarah Lawrence = Emerson + an endless supply of "endowment" jokes

  4. hahaha endowment....i love it

  5. I see you are very proud of your college! Can't wait to visit you!

  6. "The walk from 80 to 120 boylston is too long!"

    This is pretty much my mantra.

  7. Oh...this is ridiculously hilarious, but risky! I am still laughing and grimacing all at once. I so wanted to share this with friends and family but it is a bit too off color. I love the reference about the walk from 80 to 12 Boylston! And the fashion observations, of course. .... MLK

  8.'s MashaApril 23, 2009 at 5:25 PM

    I just died of hilarity a little bit. Cyniiiic!